Now, I don't usually get all mushy in public (or private for that matter) but I woke up this morning feeling ridiculously grateful for my life. I attribute a lot of my personal growth to one person: my husband.
When I met Ron, aka Big Daddy, I was 24 years old, arrogant, broken in so many ways that I didn't even know how badly my spirit was battered, and fiercely independent. There were so many mornings when I would wake up and he would tell me that I had cried in my sleep or mumbled awful things about my past, things I never remembered let alone remembered saying.
I often wondered if I had always been like that, battling demons in my sleep all those years. When I was awake, I guarded myself with this bullet-proof exterior; no one would hurt me the way I had been hurt and no one would get close enough to me again. My best friend, Teresa, who had known me since high school, always called me "Dally" from The Outsiders because I lived by his saying,
"You get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothing can touch you."
I really lived that way for a long time. Even years into my relationship/marriage with Ron, I expected him to give up on me and leave. I look back at it now and honestly wonder how/why the hell he stayed. I know why I was the way I was; losing my grandma when I was 19 and the death of a boyfriend I was in love with when I was 21, made me push people away before they could leave me. I wonder if I had someone to help me through all of that, if I would have been less jaded and more trusting but I guess it is what it is.
Anyway, for years, I pushed people away and refused to let anyone get close to me. I'm still very guarded with who I let into my life but not nearly as much as I was when I was in my 20s. My circle of friends, real friends, is small and mostly consist of people who have seen me at my worst and are still around.
Ron and I have been together for 12 years, married for 11, and he tells me every day that he loves me, even if I have been the most awful person in the world to him. A lot of times when he says, "I love you" I don't reply, "I love you, too," I ask why. It's kind of become a joke now and he sighs and says, "Yes." I whine a little bit and say, "But WHY!?" to which he rolls his eyes and says, "Because you're relentless."
He really loves me which still boggles my mind. It's not that I think I don't deserve to be loved but he has seen me at my absolute worst and is still here, not out of obligation but because he truly loves me, faults and all.
Our wedding song was It Had To Be You and I used to sing to him, "With all your faults, I love you still," when in reality, I saw him as faultless but knew that I was riddled with many. I've since been able to see that he is not perfect but his flaws are limited to the following:
He double-checks EVERYTHING. It's annoying. I could tell him the sky is blue and he would have to look for himself to see.
He thinks he is smarter than everyone else. Sadly, he is. He is extremely methodic, rational and intelligent. He is argumentative, stubborn, and somewhat smug. It's annoying.
He rarely gets emotional about anything. Overly happy, overly sad, overly angry, overly ANYTHING. I am a Scorpio. I feel everything intensely: love, hate, anger, passion, joy. Everything. He does not. It's annoying.
He hates anything that resembles manual labour and hates to be "told" to do anything. It's really annoying.
I guess I can look past his flaws and be happy I have such great guy.
Because he double-checks everything, I don't have to. I trust that he will take care of the little things I neglect or miss.
Because he is so smart, we have some fiery conversations which results in an extremely volcanic relationship. He challenges me to be better than I think I am.
Because he rarely gets overly emotional about anything, I am able to. He is a calming force in my life, he never overreacts, and has patience to spare. It takes a lot for me to piss him off (thank coffee!) and he just smiles when I get goofy with excitement over the dorkiest things.
Because he hates manual labour or being told to do anything... yeh, that's still annoying :D
But I love him, still.
Because when I look into my future, I am happy to see us together, still annoying the hell out of each other and still looking at him with my big, blue eyes, asking him why he loves me.
And if I haven't said it before, I'm a lucky girl to have such a wonderful guy.