I was two weeks away from hosting the first-ever FIERCE Awards, and I had become a shadow of my former self. Where I was normally a colourful and vibrant person, I only emitted dull, grey energy. Where I had once had a zest for life that was contagious, I had become sad, lifeless almost.
I didn't want to host the FIERCE Awards last year but I was obligated to because there was a list of nominees who had already been denied their celebration in April because after my granpa died, I was too drained emotionally to get my shit together.
I started getting emails in May asking about the FIERCE awards and knew I had to do something to celebrate the wonderful women who had been nominated so I made it happen, and truthfully it was probably the real start of my healing process.
Looking back at the last year, I see myself for who I was, what I became, and the steps I took/am taking to get back to get back to where I was.
I'm not proud of my behaviour. A lot of people who didn't know me but had met me were seeing the dark version of Tamara, not the REAL me. Maybe at the time that was the "real" me but it was not who I truly am.
Flash forward to this Thanksgiving and I am filled with gratitude for the people who helped me over these past couple of years and especially to Big Daddy who (for some strange reason that I will never comprehend) decided not to throw that wine bottle into a wood chipper knowing I would dive in to save it.
I try to practice gratitude every day thanks to my BFF and girl-version of Big Daddy, Karissa (seriously, they are so damn similar it scares me). Karissa gave me Louise Hay's Meditations to Heal Your Life and Deepak Chopra's Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, ultimately forcing me to embrace my spirituality, hence practicing gratitude.
But today, looking back and reflecting on everything, I know how fortunate I am to be in such a better place, emotionally.
This time next year, I hope to be blogging about how much healthier I am, physically.
On my journey of getting back to good, my next and final step is my health. Last week I started Crossfit at Crossfit Aurora, and although I felt like puking after the first class, I went back the next day.
Because I am not giving up on myself.
Not when I have so much to be thankful for.